Seriously. :|

Last night I've come up with a conclusion that if I'm not going to change my major as soon as possible, I might end up living in hell after graduation.

No, I'm not saying this because a lot of people say that there's no money in Journalism. Nor because I'm getting tired of writing and researching and stuff. It's just that I'm in a stage right now wherein I don't have a grasp of what do I really want in life. I don't know if this course is really the thing for me... I don't even know if I really did the right decision when I allowed my Dad to put in AB Journalism and AB Communication Arts as my choices when I passed my USTET application form a couple of years ago, simply because my parents doesn't want me to take up Fine Arts or Performing Arts.

Seriously, I don't know what I really want to do now. I don't know if I'm gonna continue taking this major because both of my parents and almost my whole family wants me to be a fucking lawyer, or if I'm going to drop this course off and switch to another major and transfer to another university.

The truth is, I'm scared.

I'm scared of failing and not reaching their expectations.

Maybe this is a result of being emotionally abused (I believe I was) when I was still a kiddo, when relatives tease me and make fun of me because I'm not good in Math/not half as good as my sister is/not able to do something well... or to make things short, when I'm not able to meet their expectations.

...their expectations of me to be that excellent in something.

Obviously, that made my childhood a gazillion per cent pain in the ass. Like, you know how it feels when your family, instead of cheering you up and supporting you, are the ones who put you down because to them you're simply not good. And it's your fault.

...it's your fault that you're not that good in Math.

...it's your fault that your sister's a whole lot better than you (or in other words, you were NEVER good.)

...it's your fault that you can't do something, err, make it anything well.

Maybe the real reason why I took up is Journalism because I was in thirst of acceptance. Because I was craving for compliments from them, especially from my Mom. Because I want to experience, at least once in my life, a time wherein my parents can actually say that I've done the right thing and that they are proud of me because I am an obedient daughter... and that they could at least, again even for once, stop comparing me with my sister OR say that I'm better than that bitch. And oh! That at least, again even for once, my Mom's siblings could stop thinking that I'm the black sheep of the family (I remember one time when Tito Erick told my cousin Azel to stay away from me because I'm a very bad kiddo and it's not good to hang out with me, as well as a time when Tito Arman told her daughter [again, Azel] that I'm not a good example, and she should stick to her probinsyana values instead of idolizing me because I'm independent and tough.).

Okay, enough of my childhood please. I might breakdown if I continue elaborating how dramatic it was for me and how I curse my Mom for having favoritism.

Yes I know, what I'm saying is kinda magulo, but I promise things will be clear for you soon. You might be thinking that this is so dramatic. But you don't have any idea on what I feel right now.


...to be continued.